Guest Blog! Independent vs. Agency

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By Carmela Cancino

One of the first questions that a potential surrogate must answer is whether or not she will be working with an agency to find her match. I started my surrogacy journey with an agency that, in my opinion, threw up too many red flags and tried to take advantage of me. After making an extremely hard decision, I decided to walk away from my match and my agency, having learned a hard lesson. An agency can be your best friend, but only if you pick the right one.

Incidentally, I ended up going “indy” or searching for and matching on my own for my surrogacy. I was fortunate enough to meet a sweet couple and our journey went about as smoothly as one could. That’s not to say that all independent journeys are so. Agency or not, if the right steps are not taken and the time to get to really know one another and talk through important issues isn’t spent, things can still go awry. However, there are some advantages to having a good agency on your side.

For any person considering surrogacy, I would recommend several hours of research and the asking of many questions. Your contact at an agency can help guide you and walk you through these steps and take you through different scenarios that you may not have thought about on your own. It’s my opinion that you should always, always, always have psychological and background checks for all parties (potential surrogates and intended parents or “IPs”) and some of those questions will be discussed in the screenings. However, an agency can help pinpoint specific areas which will make or break a good match. Concrete things like compensation amounts, home or hospital birth and termination are significant items for discussion. These issues are not always so easy to discuss and either party may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed for bringing them up. It is imperative that they be discussed and that everyone is on the same page and the agency representative can help bring those items to the table so that both parties feel comfortable about discussing them.

Agencies also assist with the matching process and can help fine tune your search. I’ve searched through ad after ad and spent time responding and then feeling badly when I didn’t feel like it was a match. I’ve also spent days emailing with someone only to have them drop off the face of the Earth. It can be a bit frustrating when you are so eager to help someone only to get discouraged before you ever really get started. Usually agencies have a pool of would-be surrogates and IPs that are serious and waiting to get started. There are never any guarantees that nothing will go wrong, but I feel like the risk is greatly diminished with the use of an agency as the screening process seems to weed out some less than desirable candidates (on both sides).

Lastly, an agency can be your go-to source for the questions that pop up at 2AM (although I usually write them down and wait to call or email in the morning) and a great support system. There were many times during my journey where I didn’t know how to proceed and if I should “worry” the parents with things. Having someone to bounce those things off of would’ve been a wonderful resource (although I was fortunate enough to have a group of surrogates that knew almost all the answers to any of my questions)!

In short, an agency can prove to be a valuable asset that can streamline and help fortify the foundation for a good journey.

The delivery!

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As a surrogate, when the time comes to deliver the baby, there are so many emotions racing. We want to be sure everything is ready and in place well before the actual delivery day. There will be a cute bundle of joy (or two!) that will take center stage, of course.

For the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, the IVF clinic will continue to monitor your progress. Then, the surrogate will be released to the OB/GYN of her choosing. Many times this is the doctor she has used for her previous children’s births and delivery. If there are multiple babies, many times the surrogates will be asked to come to the doctor’s office for more frequent visits to ensure the health of the babies and the surrogate.

After the birth, the baby is handed to the intended parents first. It’s nice, too, if the intended parents ask the surrogate if she wants to hold the baby. Some surrogates decide they don’t want to but most relish the moment.

Then, once the baby is released by the pediatrician, the intended family will leave the hospital with their chid. The surrogate will leave the hospital with her family, and the wonderful feeling of helping a couple become a family.

Do you have questions about being a surrogate or the process on delivery day? Shared Conception would love to answer any questions you may have.

How to pick a surrogacy agency

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If you’ve thought it over, researched the topic and are ready to head down the road of surrogacy, your first thought might be, “How do I pick a surrogate agency?” Here are a few suggestions.

1. Do your research. Research on the Internet different agencies in your area. Although there are hundreds of agencies in the nation, many surrogates feel they like to use an agency close by. The geographical distance can be an issue when you’re paired with intended parents. Finding a fit that you’re comfortable with in terms of distance, is a good place to start.

2. Make a list. If you’ve never been a surrogate before, then you’re going to have questions. Chances are if you have been a surrogate before, you’ll still have questions! Make a list of your questions or topics you’d like answered.

3. Call and set up an interview. Call your top two or three surrogacy agencies and ask to speak with someone in charge. Ask if you can come in and set up a time to talk about becoming a surrogate. Be sure to bring your list of questions when you go.

4. Trust your gut. After meeting with a few agencies, go with what feels right to you. You will be working closely with the agency as you travel the journey of your pregnancy. You will want to feel comfortable, open and at ease at the agency. Pick the agency that best fits with you.

Have a question? Let us help! We are surrogate experts.

 

Embryo Transfer Process for Surrogates

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There are several different aspects to the embryo transfer process. Many times, surrogates will take oral contraceptives in order to sync the timing of her menstruation cycle to the same time as the intended mother’s cycle. This aids in making the transfer of eggs and embryos more uniform and easy.

During the actual transfer, a catheter is inserted into the surrogate’s vagina then uterus. The embryos will be placed through the catheter and into the uterus for implantation.

The surrogate will be asked to stay on bed rest for two to three days after the transfer.

Ten to fourteen days after the embryo transfer process, the surrogate will take a pregnancy test at the clinic. During the first 12 weeks, the surrogate will take several blood tests and ultrasounds to keep track of the progress. Both the intended parents and the surrogate will be involved and kept up-to-date on the progress of the pregnancy.

Although each IVF clinic is different, many of these steps remain the same. Have specific questions about the process? Ask us at Shared Conception. We can help!

 

Guest Blog! The Wait…

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One of the hardest things to do in surrogacy is wait.  This goes for all parties:  the IPs, the surrogate, the egg donor, the agency coordinator, etc.  It’s so hard to wait when something so amazing is almost in your grasp; you just have to put the final pieces of the puzzle into place.  Waiting is also one of the most important things in surrogacy.  Imagine rushing into any other type of commitment and the consequences it can have.  You might meet a lovely couple or a lovely woman wanting to be a surrogate and think, “this is it!  Let’s get this show on the road!” but there are so many important factors to consider.

The BIG questions have to be discussed before you ever move forward.  How many embryos will we transfer?  Are we open to reduction/termination?  What will our fees be?  What type of birthing situation would we like?  A good agency can and should help you to dicuss these items and may even do some of this screening before you even meet in person.  It may seem a little odd to talk about so many intimate details right off the bat, but it’s important to be sure everyone is on the same page.  

One of the things I’ve seen so many people do is compromise their true desires and end up disappointed or in a position they did not want to be in.  The effects of this decision can run the range from casting a shadow of awkwardness over the journey to ending up with procedures you agreed to, on paper, but never thought you’d have to actually go through with.  True matching should go over the seemingly trivial details and the hard, heavy items ad naseum so that no one has regrets later down the line.  People tend to get caught up in the emotion of the process and think, “This is almost what I want so those few things won’t matter.”  Trust me, they matter.  They matter a lot.  So, slow down, think it through, stick to what you originally want for your journey..  You might have to wait a little longer, but the wait is worth it. Not much is finite and predictable in surrogacy (or life!) but the more solid foundation you lay, the better the process will be.  Trying to shove pieces together that don’t fit never works out well.  Practicing patience to find that perfect match is one of the smartest decisions anyone involved in surrogacy can make.

By Carmela Cancino

How to explain surrogacy to your children

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To become a surrogate, women must meet certain criteria. One of those is they must have already had a pregnancy and live birth. This means the surrogate already has children.

So when the woman becomes pregnant as a surrogate, her children might have questions. Her friends and neighbors might have questions. People might ask questions to her children. It’s best to come up with a plan before a comment is made that might confuse your children.

Here are some suggestions. For most kids, honesty is the best policy. Telling your children the truth, in terms they can understand, might be the best for them now and down the road. Consider taking your older children aside and explaining to them that you are helping a couple become a family. Tell them, in simple words, that your body is helping grow a baby for a soon-to-be mother and father. Keep to the truth and the facts, but keep it simple, too.

It’s important to explain to them, however you feel comfortable, that they will not be “getting” a brother or sister. The baby growing in your belly is for another couple, not your own family.

Another suggestion is to head to the library. There are lots of books about surrogacy aimed toward children in all different reading levels. Be sure and scan through the books before sharing them with your children so they are on par with your beliefs and ideals, too.

 

What are the legal requirements for surrogacy?

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Having a surrogate deliver your baby is a fragile situation. We at Shared Conceptions want to make sure the journey is legally correct, both for the surrogate and intended parents.

Texas is considered “surrogate friendly.” What’s this mean for you? Texas has specific laws on the books regarding surrogacy versus many other states that use case law instead of written law or ban surrogacy all together.

There are two legal agreements that are entered into between both parties. One agreement is signed by all parties at least 14 days before the embryo transfer. Another agreement is entered into when the pregnancy is confirmed. Both documents ensure the legal safety of both the surrogate and intended parents, including specifically outlining which party is financially responsible for the pregnancy and delivery.

Also, the legal paperwork ensures the intended parents name will be presented on the baby’s birth certificate, not the surrogate’s name.

Do you have more legal questions about surrogacy? Find out more about Shared Conceptions here. https://sharedconception.com/surrogacy-texas

How does a surrogate pick the intended parents?

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There are lots of qualifications a surrogate might go by when she is matched with intended parents. We realize it is a large decision placed on her shoulders: Which couple does she get to make into a family? This question is never taken lightly.

Here are a few criteria a surrogate might consider when she picks intended parents to help.

Expectations. Does the couple want to stay in contact after the baby is born? Does the couple want to go their separate ways after the baby is delivered? What will the ‘hand off’ of the baby be like? What are the expectations for both the intended parents and the surrogate? Surrogates choose couples where her thoughts of the future match up with theirs.

Infertility Issues. Sometimes surrogates choose couples based on their reasoning why they cannot have a baby of their own. Was there cancer in the family? Has the couple been trying for years to have a baby with no success? Has the couple dealt with multiple miscarriages? Whatever the reason for infertility, many times surrogates factor that into their final decision.

Proximity. If the surrogate is in Texas, for example, she might want to choose intended parents in close proximity. Though not always the case, many intended parents want to be present at doctor visits and at delivery. Have the two parties close in distance is sometimes easiest on both the surrogate and intended parent.

Have questions about becoming a surrogate or intended parent? Contact us at Shared Conception. We want to help!

 

Guest Blog! The heart of a gestational surrogate

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By Andrea Muehlhaus


http://www.mybodytheirbaby.blogspot.com/


Hi There! My name is Andrea and I am a gestational surrogate currently 21 weeks pregnant with my first surro-babe.

People ask me all the time, “How do you do it?”

I simply reply, “Why not do this?”

I have a lovely uterus. I have a proven track record of healthy pregnancies and births. I love being pregnant. I love helping people and making a difference in their lives. I have family and friends who support me 110%. So,WHY NOT do this? And better yet, WHY NOT help a couple who otherwise aren’t able to have biological children on their own?

The answer is so simple. I am a proud gestational surrogate because I CAN.

Some things that I look forward to as my surrogate pregnancy winds down:

I look forward to the day that the Intended Parents meet their precious baby that I have carried and nurtured for nine short months.

I look forward to seeing the expression on their faces when they see and hold their baby for the first time.

I look forward to witnessing a family created; a family that I helped to create.

I look forward to all the tears of joy and happiness that will fill the delivery room and I will be so proud of my accomplishment.

I look forward to the moment when the parents are finally able to take their baby home and start their lives together.

I look forward to staying in touch and being a part of their lives as “Auntie Annie”; watching the baby grow; attending birthday parties; and so much more!

I look forward to meeting the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends.

I look forward to doing this all over again.

Why?

WHY NOT?

Guest Blog! Was it hard to give up the baby?

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babyWas it hard to give up the baby?

This is usually the first question people ask me when they’ve found out I’ve been a surrogate before. I delivered a baby girl for my Intended Parents in October of last year. After several months of delay, we transferred in February of 2010 and were pregnant on the first try. I remember telling the Intended Mother and friend, E, that the transfer worked and she cried and squealed with joy. I cried on the phone too; it was better than I’d ever imagined.

I was there when the Reproductive Endocrinologist showed us the two embryos we’d be transferring. Baby L’s very first portrait session. I saw the word “pregnant” pop up on a pregnancy test and ran around the house waving a stick I’d peed on yelling, “IT WORKED!!! Albert, it worked!!! They’re gonna have a baby!!!” I felt sick in the mornings, craved ice cream and watched my belly grow as that child took shape in my womb. I can understand why people question a surrogate’s attachment (or rather lack thereof) to a child they’ve helped bring into the world. I see where it’s hard to comprehend that you’re not giving this baby up, you’re giving it back. Though I care for Baby L and her parents, she was not ever mine. I do feel a sense of pride and joy at seeing her. Nine months of hanging out with someone makes them kind of grow on you. I have friends that commend me on what I’ve done but always assure me that they could never do it themselves. I don’t think they mean it in a bad way, but it does bring to the table the topic of what makes a surrogate do what they do.

For me, my motivation to help a family came when I read an article in a magazine about surrogacy. I cried reading the story of a couple that was able to have the family they’d longed for with the help of a surrogate. I’ve always been a fan of pregnancy and I own my love for maternity clothes. The moment you announce that you’re pregnant, you stop sucking in and people are nicer to you! Really though, I had thoroughly enjoyed my pregnancies and had extremely easy labor and deliveries. I also had a handful of friends that were trying to get pregnant and had months of disappointment and hurt beneath their belts. Standing by and not being able to fix it made me feel helpless. Knowing that I might be able to help someone like these couples gave me hope.

We met E&J and spent the next several months getting to know them and their families. The calls from E were spent listening and discussing her dreams and hopes. My heart was filled with longing for this to work. As Baby L grew, so did the joy in her parents’ hearts. The day of her birth cemented my reasons for pursuing surrogacy. The look of pure love on each of their faces as they held their daughter left me bathed in such a sense of accomplishment and happiness. Someone else was able to experience the love I felt when I held each of my own children.

In the next few days, I visited with friends and my own family. My children needed their mommy and I was able to return to them after a couple of days in the hospital. Leaving without a baby was not as weird as I thought it would be. Somehow, knowing that she had gone home with her family replaced any feelings of awkwardness that might have otherwise been there. Seeing her pictures with outfits her mother had been waiting months to put her in brought tears of joy to my eyes. Never once did I feel pangs of hurt that baby L was with her family. In truth, I wouldn’t have had time to dwell on it anyway as my own 3 children keep me very busy. It’s funny how quickly you can recover when you can sleep through the night immediately after delivery!

So what was it like to “give up the baby?”It was like placing the last piece of a puzzle into place before you stand back to admire the fruits of your labor (pardon the pun!) It was watching a family be created and one of the greatest days of my life aside from my own children being born and the day my husband agreed to put up with me for better or worse. It was, in short, pure bliss. I feel incredibly blessed to have been apart of it and am thankful to be apart of baby L’s life as she grows.

Surrogacy is such a beautiful thing.

 

By Carmela Cancino