Everyone dislikes uncomfortable situations. Yet, they seem to
occur far too frequently when it comes to having a baby. Sometimes, it just
seems that privacy goes out the window once you decide to start a family.
However, there are times when it’s extremely important to allow uncomfortable
situations to occur in order to ensure there are no complications in the future
— especially when it comes to surrogacy.

There is always one topic that weighs on the mind of the
intended parent. A question you need to ask to make sure you’re on the same
page with the woman who may be carrying your child in the future: What kind of
communication would you like to maintain after the birth?

                                     

First of all, surrogates never see the baby they are
carrying for a couple as theirs – they have become involved in surrogacy
because they want to help a couple have their own child.   They aren’t
trying to add another baby to their family, they want that baby to enhance your
family. 

Another  important thing to remember is that the
surrogate mother has no legal rights to your child. If you’d like to cut off
all contact with her as soon as the baby is born, you have every right to do
so. However, many intended parents  form a close bond with their surrogate
and  might want to be  Facebook friends so they can see pictures of
your kid growing up. Still others may be content merely to get a holiday card
every December. Additionally, good rapport and, in some cases, a friendship can occur through Instant Message (IM).  This type of relationship just forms naturally during the surrogacy process. As long as both parties are on the same page, anything can
work.

Shared Conception’s advice is to offer up a friendly yet minimal
amount of contact. Of course, if you and your surrogate hit it off  you
can always have more contact than you planned. Always ensure your child is
comfortable with the level of contact,very important. 

This topic may initially  seem trivial but it’s an
important topic that needs to be addressed as soon as possible so that all
parties are adhering to expectations and not reacting to a lack of
communication or a misunderstanding. Deal with all the
“uncomfortable” topics upfront so you can mentally relax and enjoy
the rest of the pregnancy!

 

 

 

What
do you think, would you carry a stranger’s baby? How about your sister’s child?
Over the last few years, surrogacy has entered our society  with
celebrities like Nicole Kidman and Sarah Jessica Parker using surrogates to complete
their families. But yet, surrogacy remains one of the least talked about tools
in the struggle against infertility. Why do surrogates do what they do? Here
are two heartfelt stories from women who have experienced  surrogacy.

 – Rayven Perkins*, 32, married, mother
to a 10-year-old girl and 11-year-old boy

“I have been a surrogate mother
three times (twins in February 2007 and a little boy in June 2008), and I’m
about to give birth this month to my fourth surrogate baby. The best part is
knowing you did this for the right reasons when you deliver the baby and the
parents finally see him or her. But there are a lot of sacrifices a surrogate
makes. There are hormone shots that my husband had to help me take for three
months, prior to the transfer and then almost through the first trimester. With
varying state laws on surrogacy, you may have to stay in state. My husband had
to turn down a promotion in another state, and I missed Christmas with my
in-laws during my 3rd trimester with twins because my doctor said I couldn’t
travel.

[As for handing the baby off] I knew
instinctually that I’m not an attached type of person. I always viewed
surrogacy as a long babysitting project. I’m going to give birth any day now
and I’m excited that the parents will be there. It’s not sad for me at all. I
have no regrets whatsoever – I’m just glad I was able to participate. We’re not
rich people. We’ll never donate a wing of a hospital, but it’s one way our
family can give back to our world in a really big way. Without our assistance,
there would be four less children in the world. We are showing our own children
how to be generous and how to sacrifice for others.”

                                      

– Natasha Skinner*, 37, married,
14-year-old son and 11-, 8-, 5- and 2-year-old daughters

“I was a surrogate for my
sister-in-law, my husband’s brother’s wife. She has cystic fibrosis so she
could not carry a child, but they could genetically create a healthy baby with
her egg and his sperm.

It was important for my husband that we
had family support, especially if I wasn’t feeling well. We already had five
kids so if that meant making a meal or driving a kid somewhere, other family
members stepped in. My mother-in-law helped tremendously. And my
sister-in-law’s family helped, mostly by providing meals or by watching the
kids when I went to the grocery store to get food.

Really the best part was at the end when
they received their baby, just to see the joy and happiness. When John and
Kelly came in, I thought she was going to faint. You could just see that they
were elated. It was very special, and it absolutely brought us closer. Giving
something is as important as receiving something.”

At the end of the day, only you, as a
potential surrogate, can make the decision to impact and complete someone
else’s family.  As you go through your decision-making process, Shared
Conception is here to guide you and answer any and all questions. Call on us. 

*Excerpts from Amy Levin-Epstein  

 

 

Let’s envision that  you
all, the intended parents, and the surrogate mom have met, entered into a
contractual relationship and developed a mutual respect for each other. Now
it’s almost time for the birth! Let’s talk about the pre-birth and hospital
considerations.

                                        

• Discuss with your surrogate mom how she sees the
  birth experience and what she wants from you. Also discuss any labor/delivery
  desires or fears with us at Shared Conception.

• Establish an efficient contact plan so your
  surrogate mother can easily reach you when “it’s time!” Arriving at the hospital and being seen as a “team” from the beginning
  will help hospital staff relate to you as a unit. Staff will be more
  accommodating and flexible on your behalf if they see you as a respectful team.

• Find the balance with your surrogate mother
  regarding “supportive
  presence” and “hovering”.
  Ask her questions about her needs rather than make assumptions.

• Know hospital policies about who may attend the
  birth, what happens if a c-section is required, ID bands, staying at the
  hospital overnight, nursery or “rooming-in” policies. Shared Conception will help
  address these issues.

• After the birth, you will follow the baby to
  watch the bath, and first exams. Please check back with your surrogate mother
  often to give her a report and see how she is doing. Some surrogate mother’s feel left and lost at this point and remain concerned about you
  and the baby.

• Feel free to send flowers to your surrogate
  mother! We are also happy to arrange sending them.

• Take lots of pictures – pictures help surrogate mothers
  re-experience what happened so fast and allows them to better complete the
  emotional process. Plus pictures are fun to share and help others to celebrate.
  A lack of pictures is a regret.

• It is a joy for your surrogate mother to see you
  both with the baby. Spending time together in the hospital room or bringing the
  baby from the nursery to your surrogate mother’s room is
  important. If you come and go from the hospital, keep your surrogate mother
  informed.

• The hospital birth certificate clerk will assist
  you in completing the birth certificate and getting it to County Birth Records.
  If you need a passport before leaving you must request an expedited process.
  Completion of both documents will take approximately 10-15 business days. You
  need a certified Birth Certificate before getting a passport.

• Years of experience proves that it is BEST if a
  surrogate mother (with her family) and baby/babies (with new parents) leave the
  hospital at the same time.

• A pediatrician will see the baby at birth and
  prior to discharge. You may also want to check with this doctor prior to flying
  home. A written note from the doctor is nice to have if the airlines want
  documentation regarding flying with a newborn.

• Post birth contact can be difficult when contact
  changes from very frequent (prior to the birth) to infrequent or no contact
  after leaving the hospital. Our best advice is to call when you arrive home
  with the baby and tell your surrogate mother when you will call next. If
  comfortable, invite her to call if she wants –
  she knows you will be adjusting to a new schedule. Let communication
  gradually decrease as she recovers and gets back to her routine. Abrupt changes
  in communication can create misunderstandings.

   

  Shared Conception is fully committed to expertly and
  compassionately guiding you through the pre and post-birth hospital
  considerations. Call on us, we are here to help.

First things first-out of 15,000 surrogacy arrangements that were
reported through 2002, only 88 resulted in any dispute between parties. (That’s
an overall dispute rate of only approximately one-half of one percent, or
.005.) The surprising part of this statistic is that only 23 of the disputes
involved a surrogate who wanted to change her mind, while 65 involved an
intended parent who wanted to change his or her mind. These informal
statistics draws attention to the fact that a complete surrogacy agreement must
contemplate not only what happens if a surrogate changes her mind, must also
contemplate what happens if an intended parent changes his or her mind.

The legal answer as to what a court will do if a surrogate or
intended parent changes his or her mind varies from state to state depending on
the individual statutes and case law (court decisions) of each state. Thus,
there may be 50 different answers to that question, and such a discussion is
beyond the scope of this blog. However, a complete analysis  of the specific laws of the state in which
the surrogate resides,  with the
assistance and advice of an attorney licensed to practice in that state and
experienced in surrogacy, is important.

The contractual answer as to what will happen if either party
changes his or her mind about the agreement is much more straightforward.
The  terms of the surrogacy agreement as
to what happens if either party breaches the agreement are well within the
control of the respective parties and their separate attorneys. First, the
parties must determine what actions constitute a breach of the agreement. Second,
they must decide which available procedural forums (court, arbitration,
mediation, etc.) will govern any such dispute. Finally, they must decide what
each party’s contractual remedies will be upon certain types of breach by the
other.

All this legal “talk” is just a way of getting to your
goal as an intended parent -to hold your sweet baby and complete your family.
All this legal “talk” is just a way of getting  closer to your role as a surrogate mother -to
help another individual or family realize their dream of having children.

                             

Shared Conception and it’s legal team knows how to expertly tread
the legal waters. Call on us-we are happy to work with you!

‘Tis the season for formally celebrating our mothers and fathers
and most of us look forward to being appreciated for our parenting prowess
and/or loving on our parents more than we normally do. However, there are those
who dread these celebrations as they are reminded that they are still childless
and yes, it hurts. They may, at some point, decide to go through the surrogacy
process and become an intended parent, but for now, it hurts.

So what to do? Here are a few tidbits Shared Conceptions thinks
may help soothe those hurting hearts.

Take care of you. 
Put yourself first.  If you can,
make a brief appearance at the Mother’s Day or Fathers Day festivities and then
go do something to make YOU happy. 
Contemplate and think about if surrogacy is best for you. Reflect on what will make you ultimately happy.  

                        

Communicate with your significant other. While some people
are able to compartmentalize their baby struggle with little effect on their
day-to-day lives, others find it consumes their every thought and decision,
alienating them from the community and activities that were once so
meaningful.  As a result, some couples
find they disagree on the importance of attending family functions, adding tension
to their relationship at a time when they need each other for understanding and
support. Try and commit to listening and acknowledging each other’s
views, and brainstorm together on the best solution for both of you. As your
preferred surrogacy agency, Shared Conceptions is here to listen to your
concerns as you think about navigating surrogacy.

Create your own occasion. 
Mark the day with your significant other or close friends by doing fun activities.  Walk in the woods, create an intimate day
with your partner, go for a bike ride, take a weekend away at a spa or lock the
doors and watch movies and order pizza or Chinese food.  Try something new or settle on an activity
that has been gratifying in the past. 
Whatever you choose, take comfort in knowing you can still take charge
of your parenting life by researching and choosing surrogacy as a viable option
to building the family you have often envisioned.

When family building plans are delayed or derailed, take Mother’s or Father’s Day as an opportunity to remember your
accomplishments and the people in your life who have been so supportive.  After all, you haven’t
lost your talents and abilities just because you’re not a
parent.   Take time to salute the
amazing  parts of your life and
relationships. When you are ready, contact us at Shared Conceptions and we can
discuss surrogacy and the journey to parenthood. Until then, keep on
celebrating you!

 

 

 

You know, here at Shared Conceptions, we strive to share as much
expert information as possible about being a surrogate or an intended parent.
However, sometimes the best  information comes
first-hand from someone who is actually “living” the role. To follow
is a fascinating account of the post-birth experience from an intended parent.  

                              

So the way it works in a hospital after a surrogate baby is
born is that they give the surrogate mom her own room and then they give baby
his own room and parents can “room in” with him.  So I slept in a hospital bed for 2 nights at
Spencer’s side. The room was next to Vanessa’s room which was fun so we were
back and forth while they were still at the hospital. Vanessa was allowed to
pick 1 other person besides herself that had access to the baby.  I got the golden ticket so S didn’t have any
access to him without Vanessa or I present. 
If I wanted to eat, I had to go to the cafeteria or something and I had
to drop baby back off in the nursery (can’t leave him with S in our room).  One time I did just that and dropped of
Spencer at the nursery.  Then, after
lunch I went to go pick him up again and a new nurse I had not seen before
answered the nursery door.  I stood there
in my street-clothes and said “I’m just here to get my baby”.  She had that look on her face like “I
know you are here to kidnap a baby and you are not going to get away with
it”.  Even while comparing our name
bands she seemed dubious.  I’m sure the
other nurses filled her in real quick after I left.

I also found it entertaining as housekeepers and other such
people came in that they would look at me and it was obvious they had no clue
how I could be so thin sitting there cross legged on my hospital bed in
hospital clothes.

I’m going to be honest here and say that I felt some guilt as
I watched swollen-bellied women hobbling down the hallway after just giving
birth.  I felt very out of place for
sure.  I felt guilty for being able to enjoy
my newborn so fully.  With my own 2
children that I gave birth to I wasn’t able to fully enjoy my babies nearly as
much because half of your attention is your own pain, exhaustion, and
breastfeeding.  But this time my newborn
had my undivided attention.  My worst
complaint was an uncomfortable hospital bed. 
Yep, I felt some guilt.

Oh, one thing S and I thought was funny was on the way home
from the hospital when the hospital financial lady called me.  She said “Vanessa says you will be
paying the bill for her……(reluctantly)…is that right?”  I told her yes and so she told me I’d have
both hers and our hospital bill prepared.

There can be so many details and emotions associated with a
surrogate pregnancy. It takes competence and compassion to ensure a smooth
journey. Shared Conceptions encompasses all that is needed to ensure that your
experience is memorable and rewarding . Call on us, we look forward to hearing
from you!

As our surrogacy agency, Shared Conception, journeys through the
surrogacy process with our families and surrogates, we thought it neat to share
a different perspective of the birth. These observations  comes from a friend of the surrogate mother
immediately after she has given birth to twins and those babies are in a
neighboring room with their delighted parents. 
Read on.

“Well it was a Wednesday morning and Amanda and I were
texting madly to each other. It was the day she was going in to have the dreaded
c-section. The baby girl refused to cooperate and there was no other option.
After quite a few hours of anxious waiting, I finally got a text from Amanda –
the babies were here. She was texting back and forth to me and I said to
another friend “there is no way she is going to remember all of
this”, and sure enough she hadn’t. We had a good few laughs over the next
few weeks in remembering the texts.

I went in that night to visit her. I couldn’t believe she
wanted me to come in – I didn’t want to see anyone after my c-sections. She
waited until we were alone in the room and she said “people asked me if I
would find it hard to give up the babies, and I haven’t felt it hard at all –
is that normal?” I knew she was still rather drugged out from all of
medicines she was given, and reminded her that from day one she had made it
clear in her mind that they were not her babies and biologically they were not
hers. She seemed somewhat at ease, but that was the first time I had seen any
concern from her regarding that.

                                                    

I got to see the babies briefly as I was walking into Amanda’s
room. There was a busy procession of people heading into a room nearby. I
recognized Rose and Tim from a photo Amanda had shown me. I had never met them
as they lived in another state where surrogacy is not recognized.

As I sat and chatted to Amanda, it just seemed so surreal that
here she was recovering from a major operation and pretty much right next door
was a brand new family relishing their new gifts of life that she had carried.
It was a nice interruption when Rose popped in to check on her. The friendship
and love that had blossomed between them was so evident in those few minutes, I
had to hold back the tears.”

As these experiences unfold, Shared Conception is right  there to compassionately and competently
guide both the surrogate mom and the intended parents as they move through the
various stages of the birth, including the birth and immediately afterwards.
Contact us, we can help.

 

 

Over the past decade the number of births involving surrogacy
with donor eggs and sperm has surged. What, experts wondered, does this mean
for the mental and emotional health of the growing number of kids who may or
may not know the truth about their distinctive origins?

The latest statistics from the American Society for Reproductive
Medicine (ASRM) show that the number of births involving a surrogate jumped
more than 200 percent, from 530 in 2004 to 1,179 in 2011.

For the study, experts followed 30 surrogacy families, 31 egg
donation families, 35 sperm donation families and 53 natural conception
families until the children were 10 years old. The researchers surveyed the
moms when the children were ages 3, 7 and 10 to get an idea of how
well-adjusted the youngsters were.

The most important thing, experts agree, is for parents to find a
way to tell their kids about their beginnings.

                             

For Jill Wolfe’s kids, surrogacy seems completely natural. That,
the 42-year-old Minneapolis mom says, is because she and her husband began
explaining things early.

The couple struggled with infertility for more than 15 years
before seeking out a surrogate to carry their child. Nine months later, Wolfe
had little Eliana to hug and to hold. Two years later, Mia was added to the
family.

As soon as Eliana was old enough, Wolfe began to talk about the
surrogacy. “This
was never going to be a secret,”
she says. “It
was just part of the story, the history of what we went through to get her.
From the time she was little, we told her that mommy and daddy were very lucky
to have Megan [the surrogate] as their helper. We told her that she couldn’t grow in mommy’s tummy so Megan helped.”

Are parents better off leaving their kids in the dark about
surrogates and donated eggs and sperm? Studies on children who weren’t told about surrogacy or donated gametes have so far shown there’s no harm in remaining mum on the subject.

For its part, the ASRM has issued a statement on the issue: While
it’s still up to parents to make the choice, the Society strongly
encourages disclosure.

At Shared Conception, we are here to guide you with
statistics, years of experience and compassion. At the end of the day, only you
and your family can make these decisions, however, we are happy to help you on
this journey. We are not just a surrogacy agency, after all-we seriously care.

You have choices when thinking about adding to your family. So
why utilize a surrogacy agency instead of an independent surrogacy arrangement?

Some intended parents  independently locate their own surrogate
mother and manage all the legal, medical, financial and travel details
themselves. As you will be dealing with the various emotional aspects of the
pregnancy plus all the logistics, an intended parent can easily get
overwhelmed.

A reputable surrogacy agency will conduct thorough background
checks and screen potential candidates for any medical and psychological
issues. With an independent arrangement, you may not locate the ideal candidate
for you and your family plus you may expose yourself to a lot of negativities
and risks.

Closely working with Shared Conception or another surrogacy
agency will often eliminate a vast amount of stress, grant you access to the
most thoroughly-screened surrogate mothers, and even arrange financial and
legal assistance. Naturally, a surrogacy agency also provides consistent
psychological and emotional support as well.

A surrogacy agency arranges doctor appointments and possible
travel arrangements that need to be scheduled once the perfect surrogate
mother, for you, is chosen. A surrogacy agency 
will also expertly manage all the logistics involved such as finding
legal counsel, any administrative details, and assist with financial agreements
including, but not limited to, escrow services.

If, by chance, you have already chosen a surrogate and now need
help navigating the entire surrogacy process, a surrogacy agency is always
available to help you and your pre-designated surrogate as much as needed.

While the entire surrogacy process may be potentially daunting, a
surrogacy agency’s goal is to make the arrangement as simple and as enjoyable
as possible. Shared Conception is always at your service and can provide
emotional support while guiding you through each stage of the surrogacy
journey. We are here for you!

 

Let’s envision that you all, the intended parents, and the surrogate mom have met, entered into a contractual relationship and developed a mutual respect for each other. Now it’s almost time for the birth! Let’s talk about the pre-birth and hospital considerations.

-Discuss with your surrogate mom how she sees the birth experience and what she wants from you. Also discuss any labor/delivery desires or fears with us at Shared Conception.

-Establish an efficient contact plan so your surrogate mother can easily reach you when “it’s time!” Arriving at the hospital and being seen as a “team” from the beginning will help hospital staff relate to you as a unit. Staff will be more accommodating and flexible on your behalf if they see you as a respectful team.

-Find the balance with your surrogate mother regarding “supportive presence” and “hovering”. Ask her questions about her needs rather than make assumptions.

-Know hospital policies about who may attend the birth, what happens if a c-section is required, ID bands, staying at the hospital overnight, nursery or “rooming-in” policies. Shared Conception will help address these issues.

-After the birth, you will follow the baby to watch the bath, and first exams. Please check back with your surrogate mother often to give her a report and see how she is doing. Some surrogate mother’s feel left and lost at this point and remain concerned about you and the baby.

-Feel free to send flowers to your surrogate mother! We are also happy to arrange sending them.

-Take lots of pictures – pictures help surrogate mothers re-experience what happened so fast and allows them to better complete the emotional process. Plus pictures are fun to share and help others to celebrate. A lack of pictures is a regret.

-It is a joy for your surrogate mother to see you both with the baby. Spending time together in the hospital room or bringing the baby from the nursery to your surrogate mother’s room is important. If you come and go from the hospital, keep your surrogate mother informed.

-The hospital birth certificate clerk will assist you in completing the birth certificate and getting it to County Birth Records. If you need a passport before leaving you must request an expedited process. Completion of both documents will take approximately 10-15 business days. You need a certified Birth Certificate before getting a passport.

-Years of experience proves that it is BEST if a surrogate mother (with her family) and baby/babies (with new parents) leave the hospital at the same time.

-A pediatrician will see the baby at birth and prior to discharge. You may also want to check with this doctor prior to flying home. A written note from the doctor is nice to have if the airlines want documentation regarding flying with a newborn.

-Post birth contact can be difficult when contact changes from very frequent (prior to the birth) to infrequent or no contact after leaving the hospital. Our best advice is to call when you arrive home with the baby and tell your surrogate mother when you will call next. If comfortable, invite her to call if she wants – she knows you will be adjusting to a new schedule. Let communication gradually decrease as she recovers and gets back to her routine. Abrupt changes in communication can create misunderstandings.

Shared Conception is fully committed to expertly and compassionately guiding you through the pre and post-birth hospital considerations. Call on us, we are here to help.